Parenting & New Baby Advice Blog

Many of the ways you can save time center around good organization. Of course, definite scheduling of your time is impossible now; you can’t be sure exactly when or how often your baby is going to need you. Every plan you make that involves other people or a specific time must be expendable of have an alternative. This way, you can shift gears at a moment’s notice when your baby requires an extra feeding or when some other normal but unanticipated takes place. At the very least, you’ll want to consistently allow more time than you think you’ll need for everything. Experienced parents have found many ways to save themselves time and confusion as they go about the business of life with a new baby. Here are some of their ideas:      

• Keep shopping lists, lists of chores that must be absolutely done, and lists of thank-you notes to be written for baby presents. By writing everything down, you free yourself of having to remember details at a time when you are most apt to be forgetful and preoccupied.
• At night, do as much as you can to get ready for the next day. Set the table for breakfast, lay out clothes for yourself and the baby, pick up the newspaper. Any nuisance chores and decisions you can handle ahead of time will make the day start that much better.
• Cut down on time consuming trips around town by banking by mail and shopping by phone or through catalogs whenever you can. Try to do several errands when you are out, and plan them so you waste the least possible amount of time driving around.
  Practice doing two things at the same time: make out a grocery list or do your stretching exercises while you talk on the phone; fold the laundry as you watch television; or clean the bathroom as the tub fills.
• Above all, do not rush, “Haste makes waste” is a cliché, but it is as true today as it was when it was first uttered by someone who knew that the faster he or she tried to do something, the more likely it was that there would be an accident.

You’ll probably feel a little awkward and clumsy the first few times you diaper and dress your baby, but with a little practice, you’ll be handling him with ease and confidence. Use a waist high table of some kind even for a tiny baby so you won’t have backaches. An old dresser with a pad on top will now, but modern changing tables have built-in safety straps to hold your baby when he is old enough to squirm and resist. If you use disposables, diapering is almost automatic: lay the baby on the diaper, fold the front half of the diaper up over the baby and fasten it with the convenient attached tapes. [Those tapes sometimes tear, instead of throwing a diaper away, mend it with masking tape.] To keep wetness from soaking into outer clothing, use disposables with elasticized legs and turn the plastic top of the diaper to the inside. A cloth diaper can be given a figure eight twist at the crotch for both double thickness and a tighter fit. Pin the back of the diaper over the front, slipping one or two fingers between the cloth and the baby’s skin to keep the pin from sticking the baby. Use a pincushion or bar of soap to hold diaper pins [do not use ordinary safety pins, and keep them out of the baby’s reach] Never hold pins in your mouth. Whichever kind of diaper you use, lay an extra one over your baby boy to avoid being squirted while you change him. 

The kinds of clothing you select for your baby will reflect your own taste and inclinations. Some parents are willing to spend the extra time necessary to iron natural-fiber, woven- fabric because they like the look of a dressed up baby; others opt for simple knit clothing that needs little care. Whichever kind of clothing you prefer, look for garments that will be easy for you to put on and take off the baby-those with few, if any buttons, necklines with large enough openings to fit easily over the baby’s head, and sturdy crotch fasteners that make diaper changing easier. 

Over the years, a commonly accepted immunization schedule has evolved. Most doctors follow it, although there are some acceptable variations. The schedule is designed to give your child the maximum protection available as soon as possible. The reason some shots are not given earlier is that the child’s own defense system hasn’t matured enough to develop immunity. For example, a number of years ago, the measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine were given to infants at twelve months. It was discovered that many of these infants didn’t develop protection against these illnesses because their own defense systems weren’t able to react to the vaccine correctly. The date was changed, and now the vaccine is much more effective.

Immunization and Testing Schedule

• 2 months - DIP and TOPV
• 4 months - DIP and TOPV
• 6 months - DIP
• 9-12 months - TB test
• At least 15 months - MMR
• 18 months - DIP and TOPV
• 2 years - HiB and TB test
• 4-6 years - DIP and TOPV

DIP [diphtheria-tetanus-pertussis vaccine]: This immunization is given as a shot, usually in the thigh. Many children have no reaction to it. Some have swelling and redness at the injection site, as well as some fussiness.

TOPV [trivalent oral polio vaccine, also called the Sabin vaccine]: Your child is given a small amount of liquid to swallow. Side effects from this vaccine are very rare.

MMR [measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine]: This vaccine is given as a shot. Your child needs only one shot to have lifelong protection from all three viruses.

TB Test [tuberculosis test]: Some doctors feel that routine tuberculosis testing is necessary and do it on all children. Other doctors feel that this testing is not needed and do it only when they believe the child is at risk of exposure to this disease.

HiB [hemophilus influenza type B vaccine]: This relatively new vaccine protects children against developing several types of infections including one type of meningitis [infection of the coverings of the brain and spinal cord]. This meningitis is more common in children two to six years old who are exposed to a number of other children, such as in day care centers, or who stay with babysitters who care for four or more children. Although this type of meningitis isn’t common, if your two to six year old child is in day care or with a babysitter, you should discuss the HiB vaccine with your doctor.

Boosters: After your child has his childhood shots, he’s all set unless he is going to be traveling in certain foreign countries or until he turns twelve. The tetanus shot provides protection for five to ten years.

Smallpox: The immunization used to be routine, but it has been discontinued because the risk from the vaccine itself is greater than the risk of getting smallpox. This disease has almost been wiped out worldwide.

With goodwill and a sincere desire for communication, you may very well be able to take the best that your parents and other older relatives have to offer and tactfully teach them the best of what you know, without lowering your standards or sacrificing your values. First, use the many available resources to back up your opinions. We all tend to believe what we read, and women of the older generation held doctors and experts in high regard, so show Grandma the passages in books and magazines that reinforce your opinion. Quote your pediatrician to her. Share with her the literature you have from organizations such as the La Leche League (International, USA,

Canada) and the National Childbirth Education Association. Tell her what you’ve learned from people whose opinion she respects-you neighbor, whose children she always admires, or your sister or sister-in-law. Sometimes simply stalling is a good technique. Thank her for her advice, and say and do nothing more about the matter. Or “forget” to try her method, or tell her you’ll probably “start soon.” With good humor and consideration, you can probably work things out with Grandma so you at least approach the ideal relationship, in which you are working together for the benefit of your child and in which the child is more important to both of you than each other’s opinions about child care are. Bear in mind that the ultimate benefits of your rapport with Grandma will go to your child, whose relationship with her is priceless.

 The bottom line in dealing with Grandma or anyone else is that you are the parent, an intelligent and well informed person, and you have the right to determine what is best for your child and to raise him or her as you see fit. In the end, if you have to, you can remind these people that they chose their ways and you will choose yours. Of course, all this is easier with acquaintances or strangers, who will perhaps surprise you with their audacity in telling you what to do or asking you impertinent questions about the way you are caring for your child. You do not need to justify your actions to such people; you can avoid confrontations by simply thanking them politely for their interest and going your way. Do be sure that you are actually being criticized before you react. Remember that the more insecure we are, the more we tend to infer criticism when none was intended, and that we all tend to overreact to situations in which our children are concerned. There are few issues important enough to force confrontations with relatives and friends.

Being pregnant doesn’t mean being fat. It doesn’t have to mean being tired all the time, nor does it mean looking dumpy and saggy as a new mother. The way you feel [terrific or fatigued] and the way you look [sleek or bulgy] depend to a great extent to what actions you take during pregnancy regarding diet and exercise. By eating a wide variety of wholesome foods and by exercising aerobically on a regular basis, you can maintain or improve your fitness and health during this time of extra demands on your body.

Decide how you want to look and feel after delivery. Then accept the challenge of making necessary changes in eating and exercise. That’s the first step. Look at your schedule and make changes to include sensible eating and an exercise program. The two go hand in hand. Just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean you’re fragile. Give your exercise program top priority. Plan your day around your exercise program, not the other way around.

This section describes a safe and effected fitness program for pregnant women at any level of fitness. The emphasis is on aerobic exercise, with some discussion of the other important components of a complete fitness program- stretching and strengthening exercises.

Starting an Exercise Program for the First Time

Becoming fit during pregnancy requires safe, regular, sustained, moderate exercise-not embarking on a new sport or doing strenuous workouts. Even if you have never exercised regularly before, you can safety begin a workout program during pregnancy. The safest and most productive activities during pregnancy [especially for the woman exercising for the first time] are swimming and brisk walking. They are best because can usually be continued until almost the day of delivery, and carry little risk of injury that would prevent further exercising. All you need before beginning is a sound program, appropriate clothing, and a health clearance from your personal physician.

Guide for Safe and Effective Exercise

For anyone engaged in an exercise program, it is important to know if you are under or overworking your heart. If you under work your heart muscle, you won’t build stamina or endurance. If you are overworking your heart, you could become short of breath, dizzy, nauseated, or faint.

During pregnancy, it is especially important not to overwork. There are many internal body changes taking place that require oxygen and energy. In addition to the fact that you are growing a whole new person! That is why you should learn how to measure your body’s responses to exercise.

One sign of overworking aerobically is shortness of breath. If you are working at just the right pace, you should be able to carry on a normal conversation while exercising [the" talk test"]. But, to be more accurate, you can learn to use your own pulse to tell you exactly how your body is responding to exercise.

Taking Your Pulse

Your pulse varies according to your activity level. It is lowest when you are least active. It also varies to response to illness and emotions. Your pulse can tell you about your physical fitness level, too. The more fit you are, the lower your resting pulse rate. Most women have a resting pulse rate of seventy-two, to eighty beats per minute [bpm], but this may decrease as their level of fitness improves. During pregnancy, the resting pulse normally varies within the same day and from day to day. As pregnancy advances, the pulse rate increases just slightly.

There are many pulse locations you can use, including the ones at your temples, your wrists and inside your upper arms. Do not use the carotid artery, [the pulse at the side of your throat]. Pressing this artery often alters the pulse beat, giving an inaccurate reading. Also, if you should accidentally press too hard or “massage” your neck trying to locate the pulse [especially during a workout], you may alter or decrease blood flow to the brain, making yourself feel faint or dizzy. Never take your pulse with your thumb. There is a pulse in your thumb and it is easy to confuse that pulse with the one in the artery you are trying to measure.

For practice, try to find the pulse in your wrist right now. To locate it, look on the thumb side, just below the small round bone on the side. Press firmly with your index and middle fingers. You should feel it beating. If not, get up and move briskly around the room for a couple of minutes and try it again. Practice several times during non-exercise times to become proficient at locating and counting your pulse.

Pulse Monitoring During your Workout

Three or four times during your workout, monitor your pulse. If you are attending an aerobic dance or exercise class with an instructor, monitor your own pulse whether or not the instructor has the entire class doing it. You should check your pulse after each aerobic dance or exercise segment, approximately every four minutes. After a while, you will be able to’ read your body” and will know when your pulse is at the right level. You will then be able to check your pulse less frequently. But at first, be consistent in checking your pulse often.

Try to keep moving while you check your pulse. It will take practice at becoming proficient at doing this, but it is very important. Each time you stand still to take your pulse, it drops or changes. At the same time, the blood has a tendency to pool in the lower part of your body, affecting the blood pressure, and you may become dizzy or lightheaded. So keep moving to get an accurate pulse. [Of course if biking is your aerobic activity, you will have to stop to take your pulse. "No- hands" biking is not a good idea! Try jogging in place to keep your pulse rate up.

The most precise way to count your pulse is with a digital watch turned face up on the inside of your left wrist. Place the index and middle fingers of your right hand on your left wrist, finding your pulse beat. Keep moving as you begin counting [to yourself] how many times you feel the beat. The first beat is called zero, then one, two, three, and so on. For six seconds count each beat. Then simply place a zero after the number of your count. For example if your count is twelve your pulse is 120 bpm.

Finding Your Target Heart Rate Zone

Which pulse range is right for you? In order to improve your heart muscle and receive the other benefits of exercise, you must keep your pulse within your individual “target” heart rate zone. This target zone [in pregnancy and until approximately twelve weeks after delivery] is achieved when the heart is beating at between sixty and seventy percent of your safe maximum attainable heart rate [SHR].

A formula is used to determine each person’s target zone. 220 [which is considered the highest pulse] minus your age equals your SHR Multiply that by sixty or seventy percent to get the limits of your target zone. The chart that follows contains the target zones for pregnant women and new mothers of all ages. Use it to determine your own target zone. If you cannot carry on a conversation in your target zone, you should reduce your activity, lowering your pulse to the level at which you are able to converse comfortably.

Use your target zone to help you regulate your activity during exercise. If your pulse is below your target zone, you need to work harder. If it is above your target zone, you are working too hard for your fitness level; you need to slow your activity to slow your pulse down to your target zone.

Target Heart Rate Zones for Pregnant Women and New Mothers

Age	Target Heart Rate [bpm]
15	123-140
20	120-140
21	119-139
22	118-138
23	117-137
24	117-137
25	116-136
26	115-135
27	115-135
28	113-134
29	113-133
30	113-133
31	112-132
32	111-131
33	110-130
34	110-130
35	109-129
36	108-128
37	108-128
38	107-127
39	106-126
40	106-126
41	105-125
42	104-124

*Target heart rate is calculated at sixty percent to seventy percent of the safe maximum attainable heart rate. In pregnancy, maximum heart rate should never exceed 140 beats per minute.

Stamina and endurance are achieved sooner by working at the lower end of your target zone, nor the higher. Therefore, don’t try to rush yourself to fitness by overworking, because it doesn’t work and could cause harm.

Remember that your target zone is just for you. If you haven’t exercised regularly before, you may have to do very little to zoom your pulse up. The more fit you become, the harder you will have to work to get your pulse in the target zone. Do not compare yourself with others; there is no norm to achieve. Each pregnant woman should work at her own individual level.

Memorize the low and high numbers of your target zone. If you are above the high number, you need to slow yourself down-by walking, pedaling your bicycle more slowly, or reducing the vigor of your arm and leg movements. Unless you believe you are going to collapse or faint, do not stop moving or sit down. Keep yourself moving until your pulse drops to your target zone and you are ready to resume exercising.

If at any time during exercise you begin feeling faint, dizzy, lightheaded, nauseated, clammy or cold even though you are sweating or extremely fatigued, stop exercising, but walk around for a while and then have a seat. If you are in a structured class, talk with the instructor before leaving-let her know you are feeling unwell. She may want to keep her eye on you for a bit, or she may want to help you seek medical assistance. Also, see your physician before resuming exercise. These are warning signs. Listen to your body. There may be a very simple cause or one that is complicated and serious. Your physician, not your fitness instructor, or you should determine the cause.

Finding adequate child care is also an important part of making the choice. “At first the idea of leaving her with anyone terrified me,” recalls Georgianne. “Getting adequate child care was a nightmare. I got a list of the places licensed in my area, but when I went to visit the very first one I was discouraged. The woman had three other children and the home was in a depressing, stark apartment building. I just thought, no. In the end I paid a fortune for a series of nannies. They were all OK, but none of them stuck around much longer than six months.”

Very few companies provide day care or nurseries. Local social-services departments have few day-care facilities, and these are mostly filled by single or special-needs mothers. Some churches and temples have day-care facilities, however. Private day-care services tend to be expensive, but they are becoming more common. Baby-sitters can be a good, inexpensive option if you find one you like. Nannies can live in if you have the space, or can come in for the day. Also, if you have one child and work part-time, you may be able to share a nanny with another mother to cut costs. If you work part time, au pairs can work out if you have the room. However, they aren’t expected to work more than five hours a day. Also, they may be very young and inexperienced with small children.

Finding suitable child-care arrangements is often an ongoing worry for the working mother. What works when you have one baby will not be perfect when you have two preschool children. Often child-care problems get even more complicated when children start school: It’s harder to find someone who wants to work for only two or three hours after school or during school vacations. And what do you do when your child is ill? Having both children and a job usually means:

• You have a reasonably understanding relationship with your employer.
• You are prepared to sacrifice some paid vacation days at those times when your child or baby-sitter is ill.
• Your partner is prepared to make some of these sacrifices, too.

Otherwise, the situation may become unworkable.

Even though your baby has already experienced some separation anxiety, it is likely that she will develop more intense reactions to separation at this developmental stage.  Leaving her with a babysitter or dropping her off at a daycare center may be more difficult.  Remembering to take a favorite toy or a lovey along may help with these leave-takings.  Fear of new situations results partially because of your child’s inexperience with them.

Easy sleep patterns that can be established may be disrupted in this stage.  So much time during the day is spent in motor activity-walking and running-that by the time evening rolls around, your toddler is likely to be too overtired to go to bed easily.  In addition, you shouldn’t be surprised if your baby starts to wake up again in the middle of the night.  This may be because your baby is afraid of being alone.  Night-fears begin around eighteen months.  They may continue through the third and fourth year, changing in intensity and content.  Three year olds can often tell you about the dreams that wake them up.

At these early ages, your baby doesn’t know what’s real and what’s fantasy, so nighttime being alone, and dreams can be frightening experiences.  You can relieve some of your baby’s fearfulness by comforting her and telling her that you are there and will protect her.  On occasion, even letting your baby crawl into bed with you can give her a sense of security and you a good night’s sleep.

Children’s fears can be lessened through imaginative play and books.  Play is a terrific means of working out difficulties your child may be experiencing.  Some of your baby’s fears and worries can be worked out through your playing together.  Each of you can take turns pretending to be the “scary monster,” which the other one banishes.  Some delightful children’s books cast triumphant little boys and girls as conquerors of nighttime monsters.

In addition to books, parents can use puppets to engage their toddlers, and older children too, in lively re-enactments of daily concerns and fears.  Playing with puppets removes some of the tension associated with real-life discussions about upsetting issues.  By giving the worries to the puppets in the realm of your play, some forbidding topics are no longer unthinkable.  Toddlers need a regular bedtime routine.  Many parents use the hour before bedtime to read books with their children.  Not only is reading to your child known to be beneficial to her later reading readiness, but eighteen months olds find the same routine night after night comforting.  Thus, a consistent bedtime “ritual” is good for your child’s emotional growth and cognitive development and may provide a better night’s sleep for both parents and child.

New Advances

As a parent, your role is to support your baby’s move toward independence while at the same time recognizing his need to be dependent on you.  Some children have great difficulty struggling to reach the next developmental milestone.  Others make smooth transitions from milestone to milestone.  Some experts believe that development is mainly dependent on the child’s growth or maturation, with maturation moving in an upward cyclical manner.  Occasionally peaks and valleys do occur.

With this cyclical view of development, parents can see how new advances can be upsetting for children.  Thus, with advances to each new stage of development, notably with walking, your baby’s behavior may seem disorganized until he is sure of himself and has consolidated his new skills.

Special Smiles

Special smiles just for parents begin appearing at four months.  A smile will spread across your baby’s face when he sees you, but not at anyone else.  This behavior implies not only recognition of you-a cognitive skill-but also recognition of your specialness-a social skill.  This, of course, produces an incredibly strong emotional response from you.  It makes it more fun for you to be with your baby and to play with him.  In fact, it may be hard for you to pull yourself away to do household chores or return to work.  This, in turn, brings great benefits to your baby, providing him with two ready playmates to teach him the many things he needs to learn.

Babbling and Cooing

Isn’t it wonderful to hear a baby beginning to make sounds, to coo and babble as you jiggle him up and down?  Your baby’s babbling and cooing evoke a strong response from you, just as his smiling does.  Your play begins to take on a real conversational quality. Now each of you is more likely to take a turn-you respond to your baby’s cooing with words and funny faces, and your baby answers with more cooing and babbling.

Laughing

Some babies begin to laugh even before four months, some as early as five weeks.  Laughing occurs about a month after your baby first smiles.  A sudden, intense [perhaps surprising] stimulus can make a baby laugh.

But you may notice that sometimes your baby is not sure whether to laugh or cry.  Laughter appears to be an emotion on the cutting edge of fear.  Theories regarding laughter suggest that babies laugh at things that are almost, but not entirely, understandable to them.  Things that are too confusing, however, will make them cry.  Four to six months olds tend to laugh more at things that touch them [like ticking] and talk to them [like you saying silly things].

Your baby’s laughing helps form an emotional link between the two of you, making your play a lot of fun.  We like to see babies laugh, so we repeat whatever we did to get them laughing again.  By doing this, your baby is learning to gain some control over his environment.  Through laughing, babies can also learn the kind of effect they have on other people.

Feeding and Sucking

By four months, in all probability, either your baby has found his fingers or thumb to suck on in between feedings or you have offered him a pacifier.  Several factors may influence the amount of time your baby spends sucking just for fun.  More sucking is likely to occur particularly with breast-fed babies, when you begin to wean your baby.  [Oftentimes, weaning is more difficult for the mother than the baby.  That special dependency relationship may be difficult to leave behind.]

When teeth begin to erupt, you may see your baby chew more on hands, fingers, and any available toys.  Weaning and teething frequently take place simultaneously because of baby’s biting.

Most babies like to suck on something between and during meals.  If babies have the good fortune to find their own thumbs-some do this as early as three weeks-they may be able to calm themselves down.  Nonnutritive sucking [sucking for pleasure and not for nutrition] is one of your baby’s first means of exploration.  Babies use their mouths for exploring the world by touching and tasting all sorts are things.

People used think that the amount of sucking their babies did would have lasting effects on their personalities and behavior patterns.  For example, some thought that babies that didn’t suck enough because of bottle feeding [or because the holes in the nipples were running too fast] would grow up to have “oral” personalities and would be thumb-sucking school age children and smoking adolescents.

These early theories have not been upheld.  How babies were fed or weaned makes little difference in their later personality development. Frequent sucking also doesn’t seem to have any effect on emotional development [or on dental development, until the permanent teeth start coming in], so there’s no need to continually remove your baby’s thumb from his mouth or deny him a pacifier.  In fact, it is impossible to keep babies from sucking when they want to; some babies will even suck when they have nothing in their mouths.

The upshot of professional studies is that a child’s emotional development stability is not related to how she was fed.  Also, weaning has not been found to have long-term, resounding ill effects, either psychological or physical, on well-fed babies.  Rather, such issues as parental warmth, maternal responsiveness, and the level of conflict in the home are related to development of secure relationships.

Problems in Interaction

By as early as four months, your baby is beginning to develop a specific relationship with you. Your patterns of play with your baby help you to form a lasting bond.  But problems can occur in parent-baby play.

Problems in interaction can best be viewed as a breakdown in the play sequence-a misstep in the dance-such as mutually [a back and forth togetherness] and turn-taking are inhibited.  Sometimes the break is obvious to all concerned-as in child neglect and abuse.  More often, problems may be very subtle and can be identified only through frame-by-frame analysis of videotapes of parents with their babies.  Some parents and babies show a beautiful rhythmicity and “dance” in their play, while others appear “out of step.”  The misstep appears when what you expect to happen next just doesn’t happen.  An example of this kind of misstep is seen with a mother who turns away just as her baby starts to smile at her.  Problems can arise because the baby isn’t learning he can control his mother’s behavior through appropriate social behaviors of his own.  Psychologists would say that the partners in such an interaction are “noncontingent”-that is, one partner’s response has nothing to do with the other partner’s signal.  Babies experiencing this type of interaction can “learn helplessness” no matter what their signal is, they are unable to adequately control their environment [in this example, the mother’s response]. For this reason, it is essential that all parents react sensitively to their babies’ signals.

Another problem may occur if one partner in the interaction is overwhelming.  Some parents “turn off” their babies by working too hard to sustain their attention.  If, for example, a mother continues to intrude on her baby, moving closer and trying to coax a smile, even though the baby signals that she doesn’t want to play, the mother is dominating the interaction by not allowing her baby a chance to be an equal partner.

There can also be a problem with the match between the personality style of the parent and the activity level of the baby.

Unfortunately, there are no set rules or easy answers for the “right way” to play with your baby, except to be sensitive to your baby’s particular characteristics. Some babies are far more difficult to parent than others.  Sometimes, just knowing why babies respond in the way that they do is enough to free parents from any misgivings they may be having and help them get back on the right track.  The best advice you may ever receive as first time parents is to relax, have fun, and enjoy your baby

Recognizing Your Child’s Uniqueness

Every baby is different.  Some of these differences come from you and the kind of environment you provide.  But some of these differences seem to come with the baby at birth.  One of these inborn differences is in his temperament or behavioral style- that is, whether a child is “easy” or “difficult’ or “slow to warm up.”  Considering temperament is important because, unfortunately, gross mismatches occur occasionally between the temperaments of parents and their infants.  These parents are bound, therefore to “go against the grain” when trying to set limits for their children.

An “easy” baby shows biological regularity [in feeding, sleeping, and eliminating], predictable behavior, and adaptability.  Almost any parent finds this kind of baby easy to get along with because she quickly adjusts to parental routines and expectations.

The “difficult” child, on the other hand, withdraws from new situations, has negative and intense moods, and adapts slowly.  Although some parents take great pleasure in this type of baby, describing their baby’s difficultness as “vigor” and “lustiness,” more frequently, parents and teachers of “difficult” children feel threatened, anxious, and inept.  If yours is such a child, it is important to keep in mind that your baby’s personality is probably not your fault.  A difficult baby’s temperament often exists independent of parental attitudes and of management techniques.

Although, the “slow to warm up” child is somewhere in the middle, this baby sometimes causes more confusion for parents than either the “easy” or the “difficult” baby.  These babies may be frustrating because their behavior is often so unpredictable.  At times they are a joy to be with, but changes in routine seem to throw them, causing great difficulty for their parents.

Your child’s temperament influences the behavior and attitudes of peers, siblings, children, parents, and teachers.  How your child “fits” with these significant people in his daily life will dictate his patterns of adjustment to new situations.  If you think that a poor “fit’ may be detracting from your baby’s opportunities for growth and development, you might ask your pediatrician about the parental-infant programs in your community.  Parent-infant educators can often suggest some techniques to help make parenting easier.

Language Makes Life Easier for Everyone

When your baby can communicate some ideas to you, your parenting job becomes a bit easier.  You can ask what’s wrong.  You no longer are required to be a mind-reader and try to second-guess your toddler to figure out what is bothering him.

Much younger babies use gestures and single words to make their wants and needs known.  Your baby may have developed some of his own unique gestures to express different wants.  Many eighteen month olds have command over a number of words.  These single words can mean whole sentences.  Some eighteen month olds put words together in two or three word combinations.

Wise parents make use of their babies’ natural ability to acquire language to make their jobs easier.  For example, one mother was so quick to get everything for her toddler that he didn’t need to talk.  All his needs were being met without much effort on his part.  When her pediatrician suggested that she wait for her son to ask for things, the little boy started talking in five word sentences.  In this situation, the mother had been too good at reading her son’s signals.

If you have concerns about your baby’s development of language, be sure to discuss them with your pediatrician.  Babies prone to frequent ear infections occasionally have fluctuating hearing losses.  If you suspect your baby isn’t listening to you or doesn’t understand what you say, you might want to check this out.  Sometimes children have behavior problems because of poor hearing.  Kids can be particularly difficult to manage when they don’t hear what you say.

For some babies, having the words in one’s head but not having the words come out right can be a very frustrating experience.  There is so much that they want to say, but they don’t know how to say it.  Try not to place too much pressure on your baby to say the words correctly.  A lot of internal and external demands are being placed on the almost two year old.  Not only are these youngsters trying to master an upright world, they are also trying to become competent users of language.  This is a time when gentle encouragement, assurance, and firm limits are needed.

Egocentricity

At eighteen months, your baby has an egocentric view of the world-that is, she sees herself at the center of the world and is unable to see things through other people’s eyes.  The term “egocentric” is often used to refer to self-centered adults, but it also depicts a baby’s view of her position of power in the world; she, too, thinks that the world revolves around her.

At this age, your baby recognizes that parents can do things for her.  Adults serve a purpose for babies; they are a means to an end.  However, while adults can give babies what they want; they can also make demands and set limits, which can be a source of conflict.  For example, a mother can ask her toddler to begin to master independent living skills [such as giving up the nighttime bottle, using a cup and spoon, and using the potty] before the toddler feels she is ready.

Feeding can be a potential battleground for parents and babies-with the baby often winning.  Babies can use the feeding situation as a way to control parents. A laid-back approach-allowing the baby some selection of food and not forcing her to eat detested foods-can prevent later feeding problems.  There are also some tricks that you can use, such as disguising the disliked foods with preferred tastes.

Conflicts about self-care skills often center on dependence-independence issues.  Some sort of balance must be achieved between your baby’s dependence on you, the caregiver, and your desire for your baby’s increased independence.  Some of these skills-such as toilet training-may be best dealt with at a later date since some readiness skills may be needed.  There is no single time table because children master developmental skills at their own rates.

No… No, No… No, No, No!

One of a baby’s first words is no. Babies often say no to your requests when they mean yes.  Some say it is easier for a baby to shake his head from side to side than up and down, but defiance is certainly also the name of the game.  We have all seen many a two year old throw a temper tantrum in the middle of a store because he didn’t get what he wanted.  These temper tantrums are disruptive and embarrassing, but are all part of growing up.  Though never easy to deal with, they are inevitable, and are faced by every parent.  The difficulty is not yours alone.  And yes, the phase will pass!

Although toddlers do have more language available to them, this stage is characterized by a great deal of opposition.  It’s as if the toddler has to do the opposite just as a statement of his independence.  This is a very important developmental step for your child.  It is an assertion of your child’s sense of himself as an individual.  These difficult times are important for your child to separate from you and move toward becoming a distinct person.

Like everything else in development, the timetable varies from child to child.  Some very verbal children don’t hit the “terrible twos” until they are three.  This is a consequence of the child’s and parent’s ability to talk about what the child is feeling, thinking, or wanting.  Parents can explain a lot of different kinds of things to toddlers, sometimes what appear to be quite rational explanations can diffuse a potentially explosive situation.  Other times, these explanations are totally useless, partially because the baby doesn’t have the necessary level of understanding to know what you are talking about.  Also, there are times when your child just won’t give in.  It is very important for parents to sit down and talk with each other so they can establish priorities as to what’s worth a fight and what isn’t. 

It’s almost certain that every parent trying to find a good day care situation has thought of the sexual abuse that has been reported in the media. How do you know that you are leaving your child in a safe place and what are the different options? 

Breastfeeding can be a problem of convenience, though for some working women who are adaptable and willing to experiment, it is possible to have the best of both worlds-working and nursing. Your success will depend on your working conditions, your day care arrangements, your milk supply, and other factors. The tiniest of babies can be incredibly flexible, and you may be able to nurse the baby in the evenings and on the weekends when you are at home and have your caregiver feed the baby bottles of formula or your expressed breast milk. Your breast milk can be safely stored by refrigerating it for up to twenty-four hours or freezing it for two weeks. An occasional woman is lucky enough to find as a caregiver a nursing mother who will feed her infant charge as well as her own baby. 

First, consider your child’s needs. Some centers may expect your child to play quietly all day, others may provide a pre-school atmosphere with structured activities. Consider how many children will be there during the day, large groups may not work well for a shy, easily “lost” child. The point here is that the “ideal” daycare situation will be different for each child. One one-year old may be ready for a structured pre-school type day care center, while another may be much happier staying with a neighbor. 

Consider your needs. What hours will you need care, and what location will be the most convenient? And don’t forget to consider how much you can afford. 

The most difficult problem is leaving a baby only a few weeks old is that of finding adequate care for him of her while you are gone. Most new mothers who return to work leave their babies with trusted and competent relatives. If you do not have family members who can provide this care, you my have trouble finding a sitter or day care center that will accept responsibility for such a young baby, and charges will probably be higher than they would for an older baby.