Parenting & New Baby Advice Blog

Archive for March, 2008

We put it on their door, or their personalized baby blankets but how do we come up with their baby name?

Choosing an appropriate name for your baby may not be as easy as you expected. Husbands and wives are not always in agreement about the choice of a first name or even a middle name. You will certainly have plenty of names-and suggestions of names- from which to choose. Sometimes compromise is the best solution.

Naming customs vary from culture to culture, yet name giving is as universal as language. In America we are very democratic about naming babies; mothers and fathers listen to family, friends, strangers, and their own impulses before bestowing a name on their newborn.

Many of our names come from the Bible, which means they are often of Greek or Hebrew origin. Our most common biblical names-John, James, Mary, Ruth, Mark, Rebecca, Joseph, Susan, David, Daniel, Jason, Matthew Judith, and their variations-count for more than fifty per cent of our forenames. Another large group is derived from the Teutonic [or Germanic] languages. These include such names as, William, Brenda, Roger, Frederick, Caroline, and Emily. Our last names, or surnames, have long been used as first or middle names. English, Teutonic, and Norse surnames, including Ashley, Marion, Clayton, Kimberly, Adair, Shirley, and Mildred are commonly given as first names. And the lines between masculine and feminine names are also blurring. Names like Pat, Chris, Leslie, Robin, Sydney, Lee and Hilary could all raise the question whether a letter should begin “Dear Ms.” Or “Mr.”

Along with the Bible, our families provide the source for baby names. These traditions can pass on such interesting first or middle names as Taylor, Tyler and Huntington. And the maiden name of the mother is often given to a child as middle names as to keep the family name alive. While you are free to name your child according to tradition, family custom, or creative impulse, consider first your responsibility in bestowing an appropriate name and then think about the following:

• Is the name easily spelled and pronounced?

• What nicknames or pet names can be derived from it?

• Do the initials form a word? Is that word objectionable or apt to be embarrassing?

• Is the name so unusual that it will draw undesired attention?

• Be sure the name fits the gender of the child.

• Give full names rather than diminutives; Robert Joseph is preferable to Bobby Joe.

• Use care in naming your baby for well known personalities; celebrities fade or fall out of favor and your child will be left with a dated or unpopular name.

• Consider how your choice of a first name flows with the last name, particularly if your last name is hyphenated.

• Avoid choosing a first name that becomes “cute” in conjunction with your last name [Barbie Doll, Sandy Rhodes, Holly Wood].

• Finally, both parents should agree on the name - as much in advance of the delivery as possible.

Many baby books are available, should you feel a need for outside help in your decision. Read them, make notes, and discuss your reactions with your partner. Your child will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

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The first half of the third year may remain difficult for you and your child as far as issues of control and dependency are concerned. Although your child’s language and self-care skills are more advanced, in some ways your child continues to feel like a tightrope walker, occasionally teetering with uncertainty over what she can and cannot do. Try to recognize your child’s need for independence. By promoting independence along with emotional support, parents can help their children through this stage. An extra cuddle or more lavish praise for the good things that the child is doing helps to counteract some of the normal negativism.

One management technique that works quite well with toddlers is the use of praise to help your child develop a positive self image. You should encourage and delight in your child’s new accomplishments and achievements. Praise [“That’s good! I like that block tower”], hugs, and kisses are important ingredients in promoting a good self-image. At two and three, a child’s self-esteem-how she feels about herself-is often a reflection of her perception of her parents’ opinions of her. Interest in and enjoyment of your child’s play set the tone for a healthy self-concept.

One of the most difficult jobs parents have is setting reasonable limits for their children. Letting your child know what’s expected, what’s tolerable, and what’s unacceptable is a long term process that continues well into the teenage years. As early as in the first year, for example, you are setting some limits by not letting your child stick her fingers into the electrical outlets.

Some potential conflicts can be defused by rearranging the environment, so you don’t have to worry about your child’s hurting herself, breaking your valuable vase, or eating a poisonous plant. Childproofing the major living quarters in your house allows your child to safely explore many interesting and different objects.

Of course, changing the environment will not take care of those times when a direct confrontation is necessary. It helps to quickly and adeptly address the situation. Tell your child what you don’t like about what she is doing. Give her a simple reason why, for example, pulling the tail on the cat hurts the cat. Parents don’t need to use more than one or two sentences of explanation. Ask the child to stop, if that doesn’t work, put the child on a chair for a few minutes either in the same room with you or in a different room. After the allotted time has elapsed, you can talk about what happened. Later in the day, but not immediately afterward, be sure to let your child know that you still love her by giving her a hug and kiss. On a particularly bad day, you may even want to engage her in a very special time just for the two of you. The earlier you begin to set aside a special chair or personalized step stool to be used for thinking about unacceptable behavior, the sooner your child will learn that some things just mustn’t be done.

In the early years, parents take on the roles of caregiver, teacher, and playmate. Creating an emotionally supportive environment is essential for your child to become independent yet aware of her parents’ love and acceptance. On occasion, behavioral extremes are acceptable for two tear olds. As a regular pattern however, the child who is always out of control or overly compliant is telling you something. These are warning signals that suggest that you should take a good hard look at your disciplining techniques. Ask yourself: Are my methods so loose that the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors are unclear? Am I so rigid in setting limits that my child is afraid to upset me by resisting my controls? Am I providing enough time for relaxed activities and play with my child?

By the end of the third year, with increased growth, maturity and confidence, your child will become willing to relinquish some of her insistence in being independent. She may even give up some of her executive independence [“I want to do it myself!”] for your love and affection. Great pleasure is obtained from praise and attention.

Participation in such body management activities such as feeding, toilet training, and dressing becomes a matter of routine. Although many three years olds continue to have high activity levels, their activity begins to be more directed, with a far less frenetic quality.

The secure three year old may be willing to allow you to help her set limits. This new stage has been called the stage of volitional dependence because the child’s dependency needs can now be brought under her control. Your child will be less impulsive and more manageable; an occasional explanation of rules will be understood-and actually followed, too. For example, when you are working in one room, you may no longer have to worry about leaving your child to play in another, but instead may be able to trust her not to misbehave.

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Given the opportunity, parents and babies naturally form a strong relationship with each other. This relationship is often called the parent-infant bond. For the parent, this bond is woven of love and responsibility. For the infant, it is his first-and perhaps most important-relationship. One of the most important infant gifts you'll receive, is this the one that can't be bought.

Psychoanalysts have theorized that a first love relationship a baby experiences with a parent sets the stage for all later interpersonal relationships. They contend that if you don’t have this necessary relationship in your formative years, you won’t be able to love as an adult. A number of psychologists and psychiatrists have found support for this view. For example, John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, studied children growing up without parents in the first years of life; these children often had problems relating with others and forming bonds later in life. From such studies, psychologists have recognized what parents knew all along-how important sensitive, responsive, and consistent parenting is to the healthy development of a child.

However, it is also important to point out that babies may not have to be with their parents all the time, despite the current emphasis in Lamaze classes and parents magazines on the position that there is a “critical period’ for parents to bond to their babies. Supporters of this position state that parents who are separated from their newborns after birth will have difficulty forming that essential parent-infant bond. Citing studies conducted with animals, they point out that mother mice will often refuse to care for their young if they are separated right after birth. Fortunately, humans are not mice, and more recent research suggests that human mothers generally quite able to go on to be good mothers even if they have to be separated from their babies as a result of prematurity, illness, or other reasons.

Nonetheless, positive changes have occurred because of recent recognition of the process of bonding. Many hospitals have dramatically humanized the way in which parents and babies are treated... Parents are allowed greater contact with babies, particularly in intensive care nurseries. There, parents can now often participate in the feeding, handling, and general care of their babies right away, instead of waiting until their infants are released from the hospital.

Another way to bond is reading books, visit this post for Tips to Get Kids Interested in Reading.

Face Recognition

By seven months, your baby may have begun to respond differently to different people. This happens as babies sharpen their visual perceptual skills and learn to recognize people by their faces, by seeing either a full face or a profile. Face recognition is a gradual progress acquired over the first eight months of life. Some babies can read their parent’s facial expressions too, because they are able to see subtle differences in faces. As with many developmental acquisitions, visual discrimination and perception of faces help your baby to maintain contact with you.

Stranger Anxiety

By six months, [sometimes earlier], your baby may have developed a very clear and strong preference for one parent or the other. This presence is exemplified by your baby’s crying and clinging to you as a new adult approaches-“stranger anxiety.” Babies in our culture often show at least some form of stranger anxiety.

One baby who had to be hospitalized for a short period of time quickly learned to cry hysterically at all people in blue coats because some of them were doctors and nurses who were sticking him with needles. Just think how much cognitive processing occurred inside the baby’s head for him to make those associations.

Another baby who infrequently saw his grandmother cried as she approached to hold him. It is natural for grandparents to feel rejected by a grandchild’s crying, but if the phenomenon is placed in the context of normal development, they should understand. If you have this problem, suggest that they wait awhile to become reacquainted with your baby before picking him up.

There are wide variations in the time when stranger anxiety develops and in the strength of reactions. Some babies always react more strongly than others. They scream hysterically, look terrified, and cling tightly to you. Another baby may give you a dirty look, as if to say, “Are you sure you want to hand me over to this strange person?”

When your baby’s fear of strangers is at its peak, it is very tempting to sneak out of the room when you want to leave him with a babysitter. However, if you do this, your baby may become more upset than if you tell him that you are leaving. Forewarning older babies and children, telling them what is going to happen next, is a useful technique to lessen and sometimes to prevent distress reactions.

Stranger anxiety may peak, seem to disappear then reappear over and over again over the course of the next year, depending on your baby’s experiences, temperament and way of handling new situations. The process of becoming independent is begun at birth but is certainly not finished within the first three years of life. It continues in different forms throughout you and your child’s lifetimes.

Babies’ temperamental qualities may affect differences in the strength of reactions to strangers, but other factors-the setting’s familiarity, the tiredness of the baby, and past experiences with strangers-may also come into play. Parents who bring their babies to work with them may find that their babies exhibit little stranger anxiety, because they are used to seeing so many new faces every day. What is important to understand is that your baby’s fear of strangers is a healthy reaction and a part of your child’s normal emotional development.

Parents as “Refueling Centers”

With your baby’s ability to crawl and move away from you comes the desire to use you as a secure base from which to explore. A developmental progression can be observed-your baby will first cling tightly to you, then move away, return for an occasional hug [or “refueling”], and then move off but continue visually checking in to make sure you haven’t gone anywhere.

While younger babies require a lot of holding, snuggling with baby blankets, feeding, and playing on your lap, mobile babies no longer need as much of your continued, close at hand attention. You may even be able to leave the baby in another room as long as you remain available and maintain some verbal communication. [Of course, you want to make sure that the room is sufficiently “baby-proofed” so your baby’s safety is not in danger.] In one study mothers and babies conducted in a two room laboratory, the babies would not let their mothers leave them behind in one of the rooms, however, as long as the situation was under the babies control, and they were the ones who chose to go into the next room, the babies ventured out of their mother’s sight and explored.

Your availability and occasional reassurance should be supportive of your baby’s exploratory behavior. Babies at this age, who are allowed this controlled freedom to explore with the reassurance of verbal contact with the parent out of sight, seem to fare better on later tests of emotional and cognitive abilities. Allowing your baby some freedom of exploration and control over the environment and not interfering unnecessarily with what she wants to do will enhance your relationship with her.

Executive Dependence

Some scientists have called this exploratory stage at six to twelve months one of executive dependence, when a baby continues to be very dependent on his caregivers, but also has some control over them. Your baby easily may become a tyrant at this stage-for example, he may cry because he wants a cookie and then becomes frustrated because he no longer remembers what he wanted. Your baby can keep you hoping, trying to second guess what his needs are.

While your baby’s continued dependence on you may be annoying and frustrating at times, meeting his basic needs is essential for healthy emotional and cognitive growth. Your responsiveness and your habit of attending to and appropriately acknowledging your baby’s signals, requests, and demands will enable him to become effective in his interactions with the world. That kind of attention teaches your baby to think, “If I do something, I can have an effect. I can make something happen.

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Your children will react to the actual presence of the baby in different ways, depending upon their ages and personalities. However well prepared they are, they will at first almost surely be surprised and most likely be disappointed. The baby is neither the playmate your toddler or preschooler secretly expected, in spite of your warnings to the contrary, nor the smiling, gurgling picture perfect, infant your older child probably visualized. Even the baby’s sex may be disappointing, and the fact that he or she does nothing but eat, sleep and cry-and monopolize your attention-surely will be.

Your main enemy at home will be time, especially if you have a toddler or preschooler, there’ll never be enough of it. Many mothers feel guilty of neglecting the older child, because the infant takes so much time. Psychologists tell us that underlying that guilt is anger at being torn between the two children. One way to help yourself feel better and to make your older child feel wanted is to include him or her in every possible part of care for the baby. Even a two year old can fetch a diaper from upstairs, perch on a stool beside you at the dressing table, or help you pat the baby dry after a bath. Little kids can sort the baby clothes, help you gently pat up a burp after a feeding, and “entertain” the baby with nursery songs and finger plays.

Let your hold the baby on a pillow, in a big chair, when you are close. If your bottle- feeding let him or her hold the bottle for a few minutes, and demonstrate the way to gently pat the baby’s cheek to see the baby’s head turn. Warn the child about the anterior fontanel [the soft, boneless spot at the top of the baby’s head], but don’t be unduly alarmed if he or she touches it; it’s protected by a firm membrane. Do be sure to supervise very carefully any “help’ or playing with the baby. Be sure your child understands that he or she must never try to pick up or carry the baby. Avoid any possibility of harm to either child by putting the baby in the crib or in an infant seat inside the playpen if you have to leave the room.

Feeding time may be difficult, especially if you are nursing the baby-a time when your toddler or preschooler feels left out and is apt to show displeasure with you by getting into trouble. The feedings that come when your older child is napping or gone to bed for the night, or when someone else is in the house to provide distraction, will be the ones to which you can devote your attention entirely to the baby, providing the eye contact that is important. When your older child is present during feedings, settle yourselves on the sofa and cuddle him or her with your free arm as you read or watch television together. Or sit comfortably on the floor, with your back braced against a piece of furniture, and watch or help while the child works with puzzles, games, or coloring projects. The baby won’t suffer; your touch and the sound of your voice will be soothing.

What if your older child wants to try nursing again? It won’t hurt, if you are agreeable to the idea. The chances are that one quick try will be enough. The child won’t like the taste of your milk and probably won’t be able to suck properly. Wanting to go back to nursing is only one of several signs of regression you might expect, and they won’t necessarily show up immediately after the baby arrives. A return to baby habits concerning toilet training, eating, sleeping talking, or dressing may be more of a sign of stress than of jealousy. Whatever the cause, your child is trying to get your attention by competing with the baby on the baby’s own level. The best way to deal with regression is to go along with it patiently and without showing anger or disappointment; it will pass. Be generous with praise with any mature behavior and reward it with grown up privileges, such as staying up a bit later than usual or going on an important errand with Daddy.

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