Parenting & New Baby Advice Blog

I wonder if there is anyone out there who doesn’t dread shopping with children. Who doesn’t look with pity on any fellow mom dejectedly admitting to an afternoon of errands ahead-with toddlers in tow? Even mentioning a grocery store run brings on a shudder and heartfelt condolences. There have been times when I myself borrowed milk from a neighbor rather than face those aisles with my precious little darlings pattering along behind.

Sometimes, it gets so bad, that I think the children have ruined shopping. My mother would suggest an afternoon at the mall, and I’d look at her as if she were some pod grandma from an alien torture mill. No, I most decidedly do not want to go to the mall, Mother, and watch my kids transform into bounding balls of greed, little proto mega consumers that want everything they see. I’m not ‘Mom’ at the mall; I’m ‘Mom mom mom can I have?’.

Now, I understand that commerce is the American way, and ordinarily I do my part for the economy, don’t get me wrong. I like malls as much as any other citizen and enjoy trolling for stuff I want but don’t need. It used to be fun. I even used to like the grocery store-especially when I could score some tasty samples. Oh, and the warehouse super store with the giant everything? I could spend hours, not to mention dollars, there-back in the day.

So what’s a mother to do? I don’t have a clue.

I’m waiting for some age and/or maturity to kick in as my first strategy. Some day my son won’t expect to find baseball cards or lacrosse sticks in the women’s lingerie store, and my daughter won’t want every single stuffed or plastic animal she spies. I don’t hold out much hope that we’ll all agree on a shopping destination anytime soon, but I can foresee the day we’ll manage it better. Groceries, at least, will be attainable, and the neighbors won’t have to lock their refrigerators when they see me coming up their walk.

Another point in favor of just waiting it out: eventually the kids don’t have to go with me. There will come a day when my son whines, “I don’t wanna go!” (but probably in a deeper voice), and I’ll be able to say, “Fine, don’t,” and it will all be legal. My daughter will balk at the thought of the hardware store, and I will be able to leave her home. It will all be fun again, I hope.  In the meantime, of course, there’s the internet. I do online shopping for everything: groceries, clothes, toys, pet meds, and miscellaneous-which everyone knows in a typical American household is the largest category. All I have to do is fire up the hard drive and take off, and it’s a win/win all the way: No kids in tow, no gas guzzled, no globe warmed. And the best part is, I don’t even have to shower! I may miss the leisurely walk and talk through the mall with my mom, but I can make up for it surfing the net, where there are no aisles, no walls, and no worries. 

After nine months of anticipation, the two of you may feel that you have had ample time to consider the consequences of your pregnancy, perhaps even time enough to read about babies or attend a parenting class. But unless you have actually had hands-on experience with a newborn, your baby’s appearance may surprise you.  Since many movies and television programs cast an older baby for the part of a newborn in tender scenes with parents after the delivery, it is no wonder that many first-time parents expect to give birth to a sturdy, smiling three month old baby.If you feel amazed upon first seeing your newborn, think of the astonishment he must feel.  Although all his senses had been intact since the twenty-eighth week of gestation, his perceptions were muted while he was in the confines of the uterus.  He was able to hear sounds, such as your muffled voices and his mother’s heartbeat.  Occasionally he could see soft light filtering into his world.  He felt his mother’s movements and the gentle pressure of your hands as you caressed the outlines of his body.Throughout the pregnancy the uterus went through many changes.  As the fetus grew larger, his movements became restricted as the ability of the uterus to stretch reached its limits.  With the onset of labor, increasingly stronger contractions began pushing him outward.  His head squeezed through the bony pelvic outlet or was pulled by string hands through a cesarean incision.  His soft body followed.  Suddenly, his delicate skin was no longer cushioned by warm fluid.  The air felt relatively cooler.  Unfamiliar hands and fabrics rubbed against him.  Brighter lights and louder voices bombarded his senses.  Once separated from you, he had to take over all the life sustaining functions you had controlled for him.  He was forced to take his laborious first breath.  For him, birth represented a dramatic change. Once in your arms, he began to feel better, with his head snuggled against your cheat, he heard that familiar heartbeat and felt reassured.  Your voice also comforted him.  As your adoring face moved closer, he scrutinized it.

In the next few days, he began to make the enormous adjustment to his strange new environment.  Having survived birth is a testament to the fact that he is not as fragile as he looks.

Learn to save your strength as you care for your twins [or any baby] by lifting them as seldom as possible, and when you do lift them, by using the muscles in your legs instead of those in your back. When they can crawl or walk, save steps by letting them come to you for playing and loving as you sit on the floor. Childproof your home very carefully, two inquisitive little people will find more than twice as many things to get into as one. 

It’s wise to prepare yourself for strong jealousy of your twins among other children, both older and younger. Twins receive a great deal of admiration and attention from outsiders, they take more of their parent’s time, and they are so often so devoted to each other that they shun other children. On the other hand, many twins wish they were singletons. They tire of always having to contend with a sibling of the same age who receives the s me treatment. That is one reason you will continue to treat your twins as individuals. Provide two birthday cakes. Don’t always dress them alike. Encourage them to have different interests. Don’t use nicknames that marks them as twins [”Pete and Repeat” for example] and try to discourage others from doing so. 

Make a point of not worrying about your twins’ development in comparison with other children their age. If they were born prematurely, think of them in terms of their gestational age-their expected birth date-rather than their chronological age. They may be so content with each other’s company that they aren’t in a hurry to move from one stage to another. Twins often develop their own special language, which only they can speak and understand; discourage this by speaking to one twin at a time and waiting for him or her to answer.

No, your cat will not suffocate your infant in the crib. The myth that says it will dates back to the days of witchcraft, when infant mortality was high and standards of hygiene were low. Someone always seemed to remember seeing a cat in the crib of a baby who subsequently died. The unfed animal was probably attracted to the crib by the smell of the milk. A cat, or any other animal, for that matter, is incapable of forming a complete seal around a baby’s mouth and nose, and so could not possibly suffocate him or her. However, it is wise to consider the possible reactions of your dog or cat to a new baby.

If you have no other children and have had your pet for some time, it is probably accustomed to being “the baby,” a valued and well loved member of the household, and may very well be jealous of a rival for your attention. The animal will most likely adjust quickly and learn to love the baby as much as it does you. You can ensure this acceptance by preparing the pet for the baby, much as you have prepared an only child. First, consider obedience training for a dog that will not obey your commands to sit, stay, and be quiet, or that cannot be kept from jumping up on people or furniture. If your dog or cat is not accustomed to children, try to arrange for it to spend some time with a baby occasionally. Speed up the process of your pet becoming acquainted with your baby by bringing home from the hospital something the baby has used so the dog or cat will get used to the unfamiliar scent.

Some parents put a cloth diaper or a small blanket in the hospital bassinet with the baby to pick up this odor. And when you get home from the hospital with the baby, try to spend a few minutes alone with the pet to assure it of your love, just as you would an older child.  Of course, you don’t want even the most loving dogs or cats in your infant’s crib. If you have not been able to train your dog to stay off beds or other furniture, or if your cat shows an interest in leaping into the crib to investigate the new arrival, block the door of the baby’s room with the gate that you will be using later on to keep your baby from tumbling down the stairs or otherwise getting into dangerous trouble. This will allow you to see into the baby’s room, but will keep the pet out. The possibility that your dog or cat will not adjust to having a baby in the house and have to be banished is remote, but the chances that your baby will be allergic to your pet. May not be.

About one child in five develops allergies to one or another substance. Pollen, food, or dust may be responsible-even the bacteria that survives in your water bed-anything that can be touched, eaten, or breathe, or even the tiny particles of dog or cat hair or skin [called dander] that are suspended in the air of your house. A tendency toward allergies is often inherited, but the specific allergies, do not always take the same form in one family member as in another. For example, you yourself may be sensitive to certain foods or a plant that blooms at a certain season of the tear, but not to animals.

Your child may inherit your tendency to allergies, but react, at least in infancy, only to animals. The symptoms of allergy to animal hair are similar to those of hay fever caused by pollens of trees, grass, and other plants. You may at first confuse them with the symptoms of a cold; itchy, runny eyes and nose, a general stuffiness of the head, an ear infection or perhaps even a little wheezing in breathing. If you suspect that an allergy to your pet is causing your baby’s discomfort, see your doctor. Until something is done, the symptoms will increase and can cause sleeplessness, loss of appetite, inflammation of the eyes, ears, sinuses, throat and bronchial tubes, and perhaps even a full blown asthma attack. Unfortunately, your only solution will be to get the animal out of the house. Allergies do change as people grow older, and at some time in the future your child may outgrow this one and be able to enjoy the benefits of having a dog or cat. Do be aware that pests, such as fleas, and even some illnesses can be transmitted from pets to children. Keep your pet clean and insect free. Wash your hands carefully after handling or cleaning up after your pet. Ask your veterinarian’s advice if your dog or cat is sick, or if there are animal illnesses prevalent to your community.

Your Baby Begins to Look More at You

At two to three months, babies look more at their parents than at strangers.  This helps you feel that your baby has formed a preference for you, which, in turn, strengthens your affection and love for your baby.

In actuality, of course, babies begin to look more at their parents because they see them the most-they recognize them.  Hence, you become one of the first memories your baby constructs.  Babies also like to watch things that change a little bit each time they look at them.  Because faces change all the time, your face is an ideal stimulus.

Babies at this age are beginning to “understand’ what faces are.  Two month olds can differentiate pictures with scrambled faces from those with faces with correctly placed features.  By three months, babies may be able to discriminate facial expressions well enough to identify the eyes, nose, and mouth.  Also, your baby will start to remember you and recognize you in other ways.

The Social Smile

Not only do babies smile more, they begin to smile socially-that is, they smile at people more than at things.  These early smiles probably reflect more the fact that faces are familiar objects than that a truly social process is taking place.  Nevertheless, when you smile at your baby, your baby can smile in response.  There is nothing like those first smiles to make you fall in love with your baby all over again.

Your Baby Becomes a More Active Participant

In “talking” to their infants, parents perform what in adult conversations would be socially inappropriate behaviors just to get their babies to look and smile at them. 

We make all sorts of funny exaggerated, funny faces when we look at our babies.  The routine parents go through with their babies has been described as a dance.  Your baby looks at you, locks his eyes on yours, and then looks away.  You then use your routine of funny faces to get your baby to look back at you.  It is as if the two of you are taking turns in a finely tuned conversation or dialogue.

By three months, your baby will assume a greater role as the initiator of the sequence of play and interaction.  In the first month, your baby followed your lead; at three months, your baby can begin the dance as well.

Your Baby Becomes Adjusted to Your Rhythms

Your two year old is beginning to adjust to your biological rhythms.  Most babies will now sleep through the night and feed more regularly and less often.  Failure to make these adjustments to your sleeping and waking patterns can be a major source of strain on your relationship with your baby and your spouse.  Especially fatigued parents have a hard time enjoying their babies.  If your baby continues crying excessively and does not seem to be falling into any sort of routine with you, a call to the pediatrician might be in order.

Open adoption means something different to every agency.  For instance, the birth mother and adoptive parents can conceivably have an ongoing relationship after the adoption.  In most instances, though, open adoption means that the birth mother is allowed to write a letter to her child that the adoptive parents will present to the child at a certain time, or that an agreement is made to exchange pictures without names and addresses.

Open adoption is easier on the birth mother, since her existence is acknowledged.  This may help reduce her grief after the adoption has taken place because she knows at least a little bit about the baby’s situation.  When birth mothers have less apprehension, they’re less likely to try to find their children later on.

Independent Adoptions

Independent adoption means that you pay the medical and legal expenses for a pregnant woman who will be giving up her child.  While this can be fast, allowing you to bypass agency red tape and restrictions, it can be emotionally devastating if the biological mother changes her mind at the last minute.  Also, the adoption is not final until a judge signs the adoption papers when the baby is between six months and a year old.  Keep in mind that each state has different laws about how long birth parents have the right to change their minds.  If things work out, though, independent adoption can be a beautiful experience.  You may get to take the baby home right from the hospital, whereas with most adoption methods you may not see the child before she’s a month old.  You also have greater intimacy and control, since you will know the birth mother during her pregnancy.  Some adopting couples have actually assisted in the delivery!

The first step in an independent adoption is to find a birth mother.  This is easier said than done, but you can start by notifying relatives and friends.  Other connections might be social workers, members of the clergy, and doctors.  The important thing is to let lots of people know you’re looking.  If you contact the National Adoption Exchange, [1218 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, PA19107].They’ll put you in touch with local, independent adoption groups.

Know your state law.  We can’t stress this enough.  An oversight with regard to the law can overturn an adoption.  How long do birth parents have a right to change their minds in your state?  Is it permissible to bring a baby into your state from another?  With interstate adoptions, it’s likely you’ll need to be in compliance with the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children, which operates in all parts of the country except

New Jersey and

Washington, DC.  Does the law allow for you to have an intermediary [someone to help you connect with the birth mother] in your state?  Whether or not you can have a lawyer as an intermediary, you’ll need one to advise you about the law, and to do the paperwork.

Costs for independent adoptions can be less than those for private agency adoptions.  Usually, you’ll pay the birth mother’s medical and legal expenses.  Some state laws allow you to pay for her living expenses.  Whatever you do pay, make sure you document it, because things like new cars for the biological mother may suggest baby-buying to a judge, and that’s illegal.

Explaining Adoption

While an adopted infant does not inquire about her origins, an adopted toddler-like any toddler-may.  Direct answers to the queries of adopted children are always best, but remember that a child under the age of three hasn’t the comprehension of an older child.  Simple truthful answers to your toddler’s questions will satisfy her.  “You grew inside your mother and now you’re our little girl,” is one example.  As your child grows older, your answers to her questions will become progressively more complex.

Other family members-especially an adopted child’s siblings and particularly those who are your natural children-should be included in your plan of simple truthfulness.  Never try to hide facts about adopted children from any of your children.  To do so invites misunderstanding and painful future revelations.

Neither eighteen month olds nor two year olds are very good at sharing toys. This, too, is part of the normal development and should be accepted as such.  From your baby’s perspective her toys are an extension of herself.  For someone to take a toy from her is a direct affront to her integrity.  It’s as if part of her has been taken away.  Parents are probably unrealistic to request a child of this age to share with other children.  You can start to work toward that goal, but it may be too soon to reasonably expect to achieve it.

One helpful hint is to have a special set of toys designated for the play group.  This way the toys don’t seem to belong to any one person. Aggression and fighting over toys can also be reduced with planned activities.  The activities should be ones that are creative, messy, and fun, such as painting, or playing with blocks, sand, and molding material.

Difficulties with Changes in the Routine

Eighteen month olds are very ritualistic.  Often routines must be carried out in exactly the same way or the toddler is upset.  Recognizing this, you can help your toddler by trying to maintain as consistent a routine as possible.  By doing this, your toddler doesn’t have to try to figure out what’s going to happen next.  Transitions are also eased by letting children know what to expect.

Toddler’s typical ritualistic behavior may be due to their limited understanding of language.  Sometimes we are fooled into thinking that eighteen month olds know more than they do.  On occasion, parents should stand back and evaluate why the child acted the way he did.  Perhaps he did not understand what was said or asked.  While toddlers understand a great deal, not all ideas hold the same meaning for eighteen month olds as they do for adults.

Because of this, your child’s reactions to disruptions in his routine are likely to be more intense than they were earlier in his life.  The toddler’s distress and obstinacy are said to be, in part, related to the beginning development of his sense of self.  To the toddler, parent and child are becoming two separate people, which may be a stressful adjustment.

The emotions of fear and worry may seem more apparent with toddlers than with young babies.  Some two year olds seem quite wary when confronted with new situations.  In particular, such things as firecrackers, loud noises and vacuum cleaners can be pretty frightening.  Toddlers don’t understand the relationship between cause and effect yet and may attribute magical or lifelike properties to noises and machines.  The toddler may even think that these strange occurrences happened because of something he did.

Some children hold onto their parents until they are comfortable and secure in a new setting.  Yet at home, if all is going well, your child should be able to leave your side to play by himself in another room. Your child’s caution and his checking in on you represent a beginning sense of reality.  It is part of the normal developmental process, without which your child would not develop into a healthy, independent person.

Although at times your toddler will be difficult to manage, this is the age when it is even more important to be firm in setting limits, consistent in your demands, nurturing during the bad as well as the good moments.  Your role is to balance the toddler’s desired independence with his continued need for reassurance, love and affection. 

Real jealousy will almost surely rear its ugly head sooner or later among children younger than school age. Busy and independent older ones will probably take the new arrival in stride, suffering little if at all from feelings of rejection. Very likely they will be proud to have a baby in the family. They will look upon the infant as a sort of live plaything to be loved and cuddled and shown off to their friends. The best way to help the little ones through their feelings of displacement and rejection are to show them your love in every way you can and to spend as much time alone with them as you possibly can.

Your toddler is too unsophisticated to be anything but up-front about his or her feelings; life with the interloper who makes so much noise and takes Mommy’s time is unbearable. He or she will likely ask you to take the baby back and will be frankly envious of the attention the baby is getting. You may be able to cheer up the child a little by stressing how lucky the baby is to have such a fine big brother or sister and by letting him or her help you care for and entertain the baby. This child isn’t old enough yet to have developed much feeling about right or wrong, and pinching, hitting, or sitting on the baby won’t seem a crime to him or her. You’ll need to watch the child closely and lay down a no nonsense law that the baby must not be hurt. This may be one of the rare times you choose to use strong discipline. 

By the age of three, your child understands that deliberately hurting the baby is wrong. Do however, watch the pats and squeezes and hugs, they may be a bit too hard. This child may be so angry about the baby’s appearance that he or she won’t talk to you, won’t cooperate in any way. Or, he or she may be afraid to displease you by showing the anger. The child may be excessively good or fake exaggerated and unfelt love for the baby. You can admit to this child that yes, the baby can be a nuisance, bothering you when you two are reading or playing. Be careful not to give the idea that there’s any solution other than the baby’s ultimate growing up into a reasonable child. 

Your preschooler will probably try to take your attention away from the baby by showing off his or her feats of strength and skill and cleverness. The child feels rejected and cannot understand what you see in this infant who can’t do anything interesting or worthwhile. A little girl may be particularly jealous of Mommy, a boy of Daddy, and each may try to take over the other parent. Feelings are strong and you will do well to acknowledge them and encourage the child to talk about them.

Most babies come home from the hospital with remnants of the umbilical cord still attached to the belly button, or the umbilicus. Until this falls off give your baby only sponge baths. Clean the navel area twice a day or so with a cotton swab dipped in antiseptic. Do this gently but thoroughly, making sure to get to the base of the cord stump. Watch for yellow matter, a sort of “weeping” that may develop, and for redness. These are signs of possible infection-notify your doctor if they persist. Keeping the top edges of the baby’s diaper folded down below the navel will help to keep the area dry. When the cord falls off, usually within ten days to two weeks after the baby’s birth, it is not unusual for a few drops of blood to be left on the navel. No bandage, binding, or tape is required. If the umbilicus doesn’t dry up in a few days after the cord comes off, an umbilical granuloma may be present. This is a little nubbin of tissue in the umbilicus at the junction of the old cord and the new skin. Your doctor can remedy the situation easily at the baby’s first checkup. If there is much bleeding or a foul odor coming from the cord, consult your doctor earlier for any special instructions needed.  For a sponge bath, you will need a warm, draft free room, a basin of lukewarm water, and two big towels-one to bathe the baby on, and the other to wrap him in after the bath. If your baby cries when totally undressed, give him a bath in stages, removing only part of the clothing at one time. Many babies love the feeling of being totally naked, though and enjoy waving their arms and legs about freely. You don’t really need soap for a newborn, some parents don’t use it for several months. If you can’t bring yourself from skipping it altogether, use very little because soap will dry up your baby’s delicate skin. Ordinary scented soap may trigger an allergic reaction, and it will disguise the wonderful “baby smell” that lets everyone in the house know that an infant is present. Infants do not need to be bathed every day. The diaper area is of course, cleaned frequently, and two or three full baths a week are sufficient.

Choosing an appropriate name for your baby may not be as easy as you expected. Husbands and wives are not always in agreement about the choice of a first name or even a middle name. You will certainly have plenty of names-and suggestions of names- from which to choose. Sometimes compromise is the best solution.  Naming customs vary from culture to culture, yet name giving is as universal as language. In America we are very democratic about naming babies; mothers and fathers listen to family, friends, strangers, and their own impulses before bestowing a name on their newborn.  Many of our names come from the Bible, which means they are often of Greek or Hebrew origin. Our most common biblical names-John, James, Mary, Ruth, Mark, Rebecca, Joseph, Susan, David, Daniel, Jason, Matthew Judith, and their variations-count for more than fifty per cent of our forenames. Another large group is derived from the Teutonic [or Germanic] languages. These include such names as, William, Brenda, Roger, Frederick, Caroline, and Emily. Our last names, or surnames, have long been used as first or middle names. English, Teutonic, and Norse surnames, including Ashley, Marion, Clayton, Kimberly, Adair, Shirley, and Mildred are commonly given as first names. And the lines between masculine and feminine names are also blurring. Names like Pat, Chris, Leslie, Robin, Sydney, Lee and Hilary could all raise the question whether a letter should begin “Dear Ms.” Or “Mr.”  Along with the Bible, our families provide the source for baby names. These traditions can pass on such interesting first or middle names as Taylor, Tyler and Huntington. And the maiden name of the mother is often given to a child as middle names as to keep the family name alive. While you are free to name your child according to tradition, family custom, or creative impulse, consider first your responsibility in bestowing an appropriate name and then think about the following: 

• Is the name easily spelled and pronounced?

• What nicknames or pet names can be derived from it?

• Do the initials form a word? Is that word objectionable or apt to be embarrassing?

• Is the name so unusual that it will draw undesired attention?

• Be sure the name fits the gender of the child.

• Give full names rather than diminutives; Robert Joseph is preferable to Bobby Joe.

• Use care in naming your baby for well known personalities; celebrities fade or fall out of favour and your child will be left with a dated or unpopular name.

• Consider how your choice of a first name flows with the last name, particularly if your last name is hyphenated.

• Avoid choosing a first name that becomes “cute” in conjunction with your last name [Barbie Doll, Sandy Rhodes, Holly Wood].

• Finally, both parents should agree on the name - as much in advance of the delivery as possible.

Many baby books are available, should you feel a need for outside help in your decision. Read them, make notes, and discuss your reactions with your partner. Your child will appreciate your thoughtfulness.